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O'lim bilan cho'tka: Sienna hikoyasi

O'lim bilan cho'tka: Sienna hikoyasi


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Doktor Fil Zeltsman - Allentaun, Pensilvaniya shtatidagi mobil, kengash tomonidan tasdiqlangan jarroh. Uni www.DrPhilZeltzman.com saytidan onlayn ravishda qidirib toping. U "Hound Walk, Bir funtni yo'qotish" (www.WalkaHound.com) ning hammuallifi.

Baytlahmdagi (PA) sertifikatlangan veterinariya texnikasi Kelly Serfas ushbu maqolaga o'z hissasini qo'shdi.

Sienna bitta kasal it edi. U bir necha kundan beri qusayotgan edi, ishtahasi pasaygan, chanqog'i ko'paygan va siyishi ko'paygan. 8 yoshli Sprinjer spaniel ayol ERga murojaat qilganida, uning ham isitmasi bor edi. U shokka tushib, qattiq tushkunlikka tushgan. Uning qorni tarang va og'riqli edi. Ushbu belgilar veterinariya dunyosida juda klassik ...

Radiografiyalar ER shifokorining bachadon yiring bilan to'lganligi uchun hayot uchun xavfli bo'lgan pyometraga shubha bilan qarashini tasdiqladi. U shokdan IV suyuqlik bilan davolangan. Qon bilan ishlashda oq qon hujayralari soni yuqori bo'lgan - bu infektsiya belgisi. Buyrak qiymatlari yuqori va eritrotsitlar soni past (kamqonlik), bu pyometra kasallarida keng tarqalgan.

Shoshilinch operatsiya Sienna hayotini saqlab qolishi mumkin bo'lgan yagona davolash usuli edi, ammo u behushlik qilish uchun juda kasal edi. Stabilizatsiya va og'riqni nazorat qilgandan so'ng, biz Siennani operatsiyaga olib bordik. Uning qornini ochganimizda, hidi anqigan jigarrang suyuqlik chiqib ketdi; bu pyometraning yorilishi yoki yirtilib ketishining belgisi edi. Bachadon ulkan edi. Biz ko'z yoshini topdik va uni tiqdik. Keyin biz pyometra operatsiyasini o'tkazdik, bu asosan chiroyli (va qimmat) spay. Keyin Siennaning qornini ko'p miqdorda steril sho'r suv bilan yuvdik.

Biz uning qornini tikib, ICUda tikladik, u erda u qattiq nazorat ostida edi. 48 soatlik intensiv muolajalardan so'ng, Sienna burchakka burildi. U ko'proq kuchga ega edi, hammomga borish uchun tashqarida yura oldi va ovqatga qiziqib qoldi. Uchinchi kuni, Sienna qiziqroq bo'lib, u uyiga ketdi.

Yana bir necha kun davomida "teginish va ketish" edi. U ovqatga unchalik qiziqmasdi, shuning uchun biz ovqatlanish va ichishni rag'batlantirish uchun har xil fokuslarni taklif qildik. Bir hafta o'tgach, Sienna o'zini yaxshi his qildi.

Bu ajoyib natijaga ega bo'lgan baxtli voqea bo'lib tuyulishi mumkin, ammo Sienna deyarli vafot etganini tushunish muhimdir. Agar u kuchukcha sifatida o'g'irlagan bo'lsa, bu sinovning to'liq oldini olish mumkin edi.

Ushbu murakkab kasallik bakteriyalar va gormonlarni o'z ichiga oladi. Gormonlarni qabul qiladigan (estrogenlar, progesteron) to'kilmagan uy hayvonlarida pyometra xavfi ortadi. Agar ayol tsikli davomida ma'lum bir vaqtda bakteriyalar bachadonga etib kelsa, og'ir infektsiya rivojlanadi. Bakteriyalar ko'pincha itning qinida, ichagida yoki siydik pufagida uchraydi. Masalan, Sienna madaniyati Strep infektsiyasini ko'rsatdi.

Bu kasallikni 25 foizgacha buzilmagan itlar rivojlanishi mumkin. Va, albatta, bu mushuklarda ham bo'lishi mumkin, garchi itlarga qaraganda kamroq bo'lsa. Bundan tashqari, erta spaying (ya'ni birinchi issiqdan oldin) - bu ko'krak bezi saratoni xavfini deyarli yo'q qilishning yagona usuli.

Bir nechta kasalliklarning to'liq oldini olish mumkin. Pyometra shunday. Ushbu hayotga xavf soladigan holatdan qochishning eng yaxshi usuli bu it va mushuklarni urishdir.

Sienna egasi jarohatlarga haqoratni qo'shish uchun qimmat saboq oldi, jarrohlik amaliyoti va 3 kunlik davolanish unga spayning narxidan 10 dan 20 baravargacha qimmatga tushdi. Afsuski, Sienna oxir-oqibat narxni to'ladi va o'lim bilan cho'tkasi bor edi. Jarrohlik amaliyotidan ikki hafta o'tgach, biz Sienna stikalarini olib tashladik va men uning to'liq tiklanib qolgani haqida xabar berishdan mamnunman.

Agar sizda biron bir savol yoki tashvish bo'lsa, siz doimo veterinaringizga tashrif buyurishingiz yoki qo'ng'iroq qilishingiz kerak - bu sizning chorva mollaringizning salomatligi va farovonligini ta'minlash uchun eng yaxshi manbadir.


Qiziqarli adabiyot

"Maelstromga tushish" - bu Edgar Allan Poning 1841 yilda yozilgan qissasi. Maelstrom - bu girdob: bu so'z kamida o'n oltinchi asrga tegishli va gollandcha so'zlardan hosil bo'lgan. erkak ("maydalash" ma'nosini anglatadi) va stroom ("oqim" ma'nosini anglatadi). Po ushbu tabiiy hodisadan to'qib chiqadigan voqea juda ko'p ahamiyatga ega va o'zini ko'plab talqinlar uchun ochiq qoldiradi.

Quyidagi xulosa va tahlilimizga o'tishdan oldin "Maelstromga tushish" ni o'qishingiz mumkin.

"Maelstromga tushish": syujetning qisqacha mazmuni

(NB: hikoya epigrafida, XVII asrdagi Jozef Glanvillning inshoidan, qadimgi yunon faylasufi Demokritga ishora qilingan, u haqiqatni quduq tubidan topishi mumkin edi. Bu, shubhasiz, Poning hikoyasidagi "meststrom" bilan bog'liq. )

Hikoya Norvegiya qirg'oqlari yaqinidagi Shimoliy dengizdan boshlanadi, aftidan keksa odam rivoyat qiluvchiga yaqin atrofdagi girdoblar ichida bo'lgan dahshatli voqeani aytib berdi. Garchi oppoq sochlari uni keksa odamga o'xshatsa ham, u rivoyat qiluvchiga aslida qarimasligini aytadi. Uning tajribasi va o'lim bilan cho'tkasi, shu bilan birga bir kun ichida qora sochlari oqarib ketdi.

Hikoyachini girdoblarni va buyuk Maelstromni (yoki katta girdobni) tomosha qilishlari mumkin bo'lgan jarlikka olib borarkan, bu oq sochli odam o'zining va ikkita akasining Maelstromda baliqchilar kemasida qanday tutilganligi va qanday qilib uning ikki akasi ikkalasi ham oqimiga singib ketgan. Oq sochli odam Maelstromga tushishining oldini olishga muvaffaq bo'ldi, chunki qayiqdagi turli xil narsalar girdobga qanday singib ketganini va oxir-oqibat suv idishiga tushganini va Maelstrom kuchidan qochib qutulganini ko'rdi. Uning kuchi asta-sekin pasayib ketdi va ba'zi baliqchilar oq sochli odamni qutqardilar.

Hikoya, oppoq sochli odamning boshqa biron baliqchi uning hikoyasiga ishonmagani haqida hikoyachiga aytishi bilan tugaydi.

"Maelstromga tushish": tahlil

Skandinaviyada Norvegiya dengizi va Vestfyorden oralig'idagi Nordland okrugidagi (Norvegiyada) Lofoten arxipelagida topilgan suv oqimlari tizimi bo'lgan Moskstraumen yoki Moskenstraumen deb nomlanadigan hodisa mavjud. Ushbu Moskstraumen Poning ertagi uchun ilhom manbai edi. Po bir necha manbalardan 1834 yilgi hikoyani o'z ichiga olgan maeststrom haqida bilib oldi Fraserning jurnali "Maelstrom: parcha" deb nomlangan.

"Maelstromga tushish" - bu Poning hodisalar haqidagi hayotiy, badiiy bo'lmagan voqealarni badiiy adabiyotga qo'shilishining klassik namunasi. The hikoya bizni haqiqiy hayot hech qachon qila olmaydigan narsalarni taqdim etadi: Maelstrom singari qudratli kuchga tushib qolish va shu bilan ertak aytib berish bilan yashash qanday bo'lar edi? "Boshqa tomonni" ko'rgan o'limga yaqin voqealarni boshdan kechirgan deb da'vo qiladigan odamlarga o'xshab, oq sochli odam hech kimda bo'lmagan narsalarni boshdan kechirdi va omon qoldi.

Edgar Allan Poning ko'pgina ertaklari o'zlarining xatti-harakatlari tufayli o'zlarini qiynalayotgan qahramonlarga bag'ishlangan: shuning uchun "Tell-Tale Heart" dagi qotil o'zining aybi bilan aqldan ozgan (yoki ushbu noaniq hikoyani o'qiganingizga qarab, "Qora mushuk" filmidagi mushuk o'ldiruvchisi ham uy hayvonlariga bo'lgan shafqatsizligi tufayli boshiga tushgan dahshatli va omadsizlikni keltirmoqda.

Ammo "Maelstromga tushish" boshqacha, chunki oq sochli odamga tushadigan balo uning ixtiyoridan tashqarida: u tabiatning eng dahshatli va boshqarib bo'lmaydigan qurbonidir, natijada uning cho'tkasi o'limga olib keladi o'tmishdagi jinoyati uchun jazolaydigan ba'zi bir jazo kuchidan ko'ra, tabiiy hodisalarning.

Meststrom nimani anglatadi? Bu shunchaki: tabiatning kuchi, nima qilishimiz mumkin - Edmund Burkga ergashib, tabiatdagi odamdan kattaroq va qudratliroq narsaning ulug'vorligi, dahshati va qo'rquvi? Terror aralashmasiga e'tibor bering va odam hikoya qiluvchiga, hatto uni bo'ron yutib yuborish xavfi ostida bo'lganida ham aytadigan qiziqish:

Men allaqachon asl dahshatlarim o'rnini egallagan g'ayritabiiy qiziqishni tasvirlab berdim. Men dahshatli azobimga tobora yaqinlashib borganimda, bu menga o'sdi. Men endi kompaniyamizda suzib yurgan ko'plab narsalarni g'alati qiziqish bilan tomosha qila boshladim. Men kerak Men hushyor edim, chunki men hatto izladim o'yin-kulgi Quyidagi ko'pik tomon bir necha tushish nisbiy tezligini spekulyatsiya qilishda.

Shuni ham ta'kidlash joizki, u aynan qanday qilib girdob oqimiga tortilishini taxmin qilish uchun qilgan urinishlari hammasi noto'g'ri ekanligini isbotladi: 'Oxir oqibat, bu tabiatning bir nechta taxminlaridan so'ng va umuman aldanganimizdan keyin - bu haqiqat - mening o'zgarmas xato hisob-kitobim haqiqati meni aks ettiruvchi poyezdga tushirdi, bu esa oyoq-qo'llarimni yana titratdi va yuragim yana bir bor urib yubordi. "Insonning tabiatni tushunishga va ikkinchi taxmin qilishga urinishi muvaffaqiyatsiz tugadi.

Ehtimol, shu bilan bog'liq holda, hikoyachiga o'z hikoyasini aytib beradigan odamning boshidan o'tgan voqealar zarbasidan qora sochlari oqarib ketgani muhim ahamiyatga ega. Biz tabiat bilan bir qatorda vaqt kuchini ifodalovchi ramz sifatida maelstromni tahlil qilishimiz mumkin. Darhaqiqat, Jyul Zanger, shu jumladan tanqidchilar "Maelstromga tushish" da bunday g'oyani qo'llab-quvvatlaydigan boshqa belgilar mavjudligini ta'kidladilar: erkakning oq sochlari bilan birga biz uning soatini qo'lga olishimiz mumkin:

Avvaliga men uning nimani nazarda tutayotganini aniqlay olmadim - tez orada ko'nglimda xunuk fikr paydo bo'ldi. Men soatimni uning fobidan sudrab chiqdim. Bu ketayotgani yo'q. Oy nurlari bilan uning yuziga nazar tashladim, so'ng uni uzoq ummonga uloqtirayotib ko'z yoshlarimdan to'kdim. Soat ettida yugurdi! Biz sustlik davridan orqada edik, va Ström girdobi g'azabda edi!

Insonning fob soati - insonning vaqtni o'lchash va tartibga solish qobiliyatidan dalolat beradi - bu to'xtovsiz tabiat kuchi bilan uchrashganda sirli ravishda to'xtaydi. U tirik qoladi, lekin faqat - va sochlari bilan uning tor qochishi uni qanday qilib erta yoshga etkazganligini ko'rsatmoqda.

Biz bundan ham chuqurroq yurishimiz mumkin, va ko'plab tanqidchilar, meststromni nafaqat tabiat uchun, balki Xudo uchun va bizning dunyomizdan tashqaridagi kosmologik kuchlar uchun ramz deb bilishadi. Bu erda bir vaqtning o'zida jozibadorlik va jirkanchlik, bo'g'imning markaziy dinamikasi - aka-ukalar unga yaqinlashadi, lekin uning tortilishiga qarshi turishga harakat qilishlari kerak - bu odamning Xudoga va ilohiyga nisbatan tez-tez qarama-qarshi munosabatini anglatadi.

30-yillarda Mari Bonapartning (hozirda juda masxara qilingan) Po hayoti va ijodini tahlil qilganligi sababli, "Maelstromga tushish" Freyd psixoanalizi nuqtai nazaridan ham tahlil qilindi: girdob jinsiy istakning oqimlari va oqimlarini ifodalaydi va ularni bosib olishga tahdid soladi. Biz. Uning ikkita akasi meststromning jozibali energiyasiga bo'ysungan bo'lsa-da, oq sochli odam o'zini tezroq o'ylaydigan va oqilona pragmatizm foydasiga o'zining chuqur libidosiga yoki haydovchilariga qarshi turgandek qarshilik ko'rsatishga muvaffaq bo'ldi.


Yaqinda o'lim tajribalari: itlarimiz bizni kutib turadimi?

Boshimni yerdan yuqoriga ko'tarib atrofga nazar tashlaganimda, bolaligimdan vafot etgan itim menga qarab turganini ko'rdim. … Bu juda ajoyib edi. Men o'zimni butunlay tinch va baxtli his qildim. Uni yana ko'rganimdan juda hayajonlandim va o'sha paytdagi voqeani shubha ostiga qo'ymadim. Go'yo u hech qachon o'lmagan va u doim maysazorda uyqudan uyg'onishimni kutgan edi.

Bu so'zlar "Yaqin-atrofdagi o'lim tajribasi" tadqiqot jamg'armasi tomonidan yig'ilgan voqealardan, dengiz flotidan hayot uchun xavfli bo'lgan yiqilishni boshidan kechirgan voqeani eslayotgan yosh dengizchidan. Hushini yo'qotgandan so'ng, u o'zini sevimli it do'sti bilan "mutlaqo chiroyli yashil o't maydonida" topdi.

Uchrashuvdan so'ng, u to'satdan tibbiy bo'limda ekanligidan xabardor bo'lib qoldi va korpus unga "uyg'on" deb baqirib yubordi. Keyinchalik dengizchi iti bilan bu lahzalarni “juda qisqa, ammo juda haqiqiy. … Bu tajribada haqiqatni his qilmagan biron bir jihat yo'q edi. ”

Hayot uchun xavfli bo'lgan vaziyatdan tinchlik joyiga ko'chirish, sevgi va aloqani o'zida mujassam etgan marhum bilan uchrashish hissi, keyin o'zini to'satdan "qaytarib yuborilgan" deb topish o'limga yaqin tajribalar (NDE) bilan mos keladi. Bu atama Raymond Moody, tibbiyot fanlari nomzodi, 1975 yildagi kitobida, Hayotdan keyingi hayot, unda u bu sirli tajribalarning ba'zi asosiy jihatlarini aniqladi.

BARK XABARNI QO'LLASH KUTUNINGIZGA OLING!

Ro'yxatdan o'ting va savollaringizga javob oling.

Keyingi tadqiqotlar shuni ko'rsatdiki, SH odamning o'limi bilan yaqin cho'tkasi bo'lganida, psixologik shikastlanadigan voqea paytida yoki umrining oxiriga yaqinlashganda keng tarqalgan. Yurakni hibsga olish, shikastlanishlar, jarrohlik operatsiyalari, baxtsiz hodisalar, o'z joniga qasd qilishga urinishlar, tug'ish, jangovar va hayot uchun xavfli kasalliklar paytida yuzaga kelganligi ma'lum bo'lgan SH, ko'plab madaniyatlarda qayd etilgan va tarix davomida qayd etilgan.

Tadqiqotlar shuni ko'rsatadiki, o'lim bilan yaqin aloqada bo'lgan odamlarning taxminan 20 foizi NDE ning bir yoki bir nechta xususiyatlari haqida xabar berishadi. Bunga jasadni tark etish, uzoq joyga etkazish (ba'zan "yorug'lik tunnelining" tasviri keladigan tunnel orqali), marhum yaqinlari bilan uchrashish, ruhiy mavjudotlar bilan uchrashish yoki "panoramani" boshdan kechirish hissi kiradi. hayotni qayta ko'rib chiqish (ba'zida o'z hayoti ko'z oldidan o'tishi haqida gapirish), keyin tanaga qaytish.

Ushbu tajribalar qayg'uga solishi mumkin bo'lsa-da, ular odatda ijobiy ta'sirlar bilan bog'liq, masalan, ma'naviy masalalarni keng anglash, tinchlik va quvonch his qilish, o'lim qo'rquvini yo'qotish va boshqalar bilan o'zaro bog'liqlik hissi,

SHlarning kelib chiqishi, tarqalishi va xususiyatlaridan tortib, ularning ta'siri va madaniyatlararo asoslanganligiga qadar bo'lgan o'nlab yillar davomida o'tkazilgan empirik izlanishlarga qaramay, SH davrida paydo bo'lgan yaqinlarning to'rt oyog'i va dumlari borligi to'g'risida muntazam ravishda izlanishlar mavjud emas.

Janice Holdenning so'zlariga ko'ra, EdD, LPC-S, LMFT, muharriri O'limga yaqin tadqiqotlar jurnali va bosh muharriri O'limga yaqin tajribalar haqida qo'llanma"" Ko'pgina odamlar o'zlarining SHKlari paytida vafot etgan sevimli uy hayvonlari bilan birlashdilar degan xabarlariga qaramay, men ushbu ta'sirchan hodisaga qaratilgan muntazam tadqiqotlar haqida bilmayman. "*

Darhaqiqat, odamlarning do'stlarini kutib olishga kelgan itlarning talantli latifalari va voqealari haqida ko'plab ma'lumotlar mavjud. Masalan, men Alma ismli bemor bilan ishladim, u o'limga yaqinlashganda, chuqur tinchlik tuyg'usini ifoda etdi. Men bu tinchlik qayerdan kelganini so'raganimda, u menga ko'p yillar oldin yong'in paytida omon qolgani va o'sha paytda qattiq hushidan ketganligi haqidagi hikoyasini aytib berdi.

Men tanamni tark etganimni eslayman. Men o'zimni pastda va menda ishlaydigan tez yordam xodimlarini ko'rdim. Hammasi juda g'alati edi. Keyin o'zimni uzoqlashayotganimni sezdim. Men chiroyli yorug'likni ko'rdim va menga shunchalik tinchlik olib kelgan bu ajoyib musiqani eshitdim. Oxir-oqibat o'zimni katta bo'lgan katta hovlida topdim. Men bolalikdagi eng yaqin do'stim Sadini, yoqimli kichkina Shnauzerni ko'rdim. U dumini silkitib, menga qarab yugurdi. U vafot etganida men uni juda sog'indim. Shunga qaramay, u meni kutib olishga kelgan edi.

Hissiy uchrashuvdan so'ng, Olmaning onasi ularga qo'shilib, uni "qaytib ketishga" da'vat etdi. Olma qaytib kelishni xohlamadi. «Men o'zimni juda baxtli, juda sevgan his qildim. Men u erda abadiy bo'lishni xohlardim ». Onasi dalda so'zlarini aytayotganda, Sadi Olmaning yuzini silab qo'ydi. «U meni aqldan ozganday yalab o'tirar, men esa quvonchdan kular edim. Keyin men birdan kuyish bo'linmasida eng yomon og'riq bilan uyg'onib ketdim ». Keyingi oylarda, u ko'plab azob beruvchi muolajalarni, shu jumladan bir nechta yirik teri transplantatsiyasini boshdan kechirganida, Alma onasi va Sadi bilan o'sha daqiqalarga yopishdi. «Men hech qachon o'limdan qo'rqmadim. Men yaxshi bo'lishimni bilaman. Bilaman, Sadi va Onam meni kutishmoqda ”.

Hayotning oxiri Orzular va Vizyonlar

Ko'p odamlar SH haqida eshitganlar, ammo bu tajribalar hayotning oxirida odatiy bo'lmagan tajribalarning katta davomiyligining bir qismi ekanligiga hayron bo'lishdi. Ko'pincha o'lim to'shagi hodisalari yoki hayotning oxiridagi shaxslararo tajribalar deb ataladigan bularga hayotning oxiridagi orzular va vahiylar (ELDV) va o'limdan keyingi aloqalar kabi narsalar kiradi.

Hayot tugashi bilan bog'liq orzular o'lish doirasida paydo bo'ladigan chuqur va mazmunli orzularga ishora qiladi - boshqalardan ajralib turadigan tushlar, ular jonli va "haqiqatdan ham haqiqiy". Ba'zilar uchun ular tushdan ko'ra ko'proq uyg'onish tajribasiga ega. Bunday tushlar ko'pincha vafot etgan yaqinlar bilan aloqa qilish hissi va / yoki keyingi hayotni his qiladi, shuningdek tasalli, quvonch va o'limni ko'proq qabul qiladi.

Patrijya Kelli bilan kashshof bo'lgan kitobida xostis hamshirasi Maggi Kallanan hayotining oxiridagi orzular bilan bog'liq voqealarni hikoya qiladi, Yakuniy sovg'alar. Xospis shifokori, tibbiyot fanlari nomzodi Kristofer Kerr yaqinda ELDVlar bo'yicha tizimli tadqiqotlar olib bordi. Uning kitobida, O'lim - bu orzu: umr oxirida umid va ma'noni topish, u o'zgaruvchan bo'lishi mumkin bo'lsa-da, ularning mazmuni "ko'pincha oddiy orzular yoki kundalik voqealar, oila, muhabbat, hatto uy hayvonlari haqidagi tasavvurlardan iborat" ekanligini kuzatadi.

Garchi itlar har qanday yoshda umrining oxirlarida paydo bo'lishi mumkin bo'lsa-da, Kerr ularning o'layotgan bolalar orzulariga tushish ehtimoli katta ekanligini ta'kidlaydi. Buning sababini taxmin qilib, u shunday yozadi: «Bolalar ko'pincha allaqachon vafot etgan odamni bilishmaydi. Natijada, ularni eng yaxshi ko'rgan va oxir-oqibat ularga qaytib kelgan marhum ko'pincha sevimli uy hayvonlari bo'ladi.

U o'lgan qora laboratoriya haqida tush ko'rgan 13 yoshli Jessika ismli qizni eslaydi. «Men o'zimning eski itim Soya vafot etganini orzu qilaman. U yaxshi joyda ", dedi u. "U vaqti-vaqti bilan meni ko'rishga keladi va men u erda yaxshi ekanligini aytadigan tuyg'u bor. Men xavfsiz joyda turibman ».

Jessikaning Soya haqidagi orzulari uning o'limidan oldin sodir bo'lgan. Kerrning so'zlariga ko'ra, ular bolaga "mo'ynali do'sti bilan birga boshpana beradigan, xavfsiz va tanish hududga kirishini bilgan holda tasalli va tasalli berishdi".

Ba'zida o'lim to'shagidagi vizyonlar deb nomlangan hayot tugashi haqidagi tasavvurlar, hayot oxiridagi tushlarga o'xshaydi, ammo ular bemor uyg'oq bo'lganda paydo bo'ladi. Bunday tasavvurlarni ko'pincha bemorlar tashrif buyurish yoki vafot etgan yaqinlari bilan uchrashish sifatida boshdan kechiradilar, faqat ular ko'rishlari mumkin. Hayot tugashi bilan bog'liq orzulardagi kabi, bu tajribalar odatda mazmunli, tasalli va chuqurdir. Ushbu vizyonlarni boshdan kechirganlarning aksariyati, "tashrif buyuruvchilar" bemorni boshqa joyga sayohat qilishda hamrohlik qilishlarini anglatishini bildirishadi. Va orzulardagi kabi, bu vahiylar ba'zida itlarni ham o'z ichiga oladi.

Tulane universiteti tibbiyot markazining klinik o'qituvchisi, tibbiyot fanlari nomzodi Merilin Mendoza, o'layotgan ayolni xotini va iti, ikkalasi ham vafot etganini eslaydi. "U eri uning qo'lini ushlab, keksa it bilan birga tinch o'lish uchun unga borish yo'lini ko'rsatishini aytdi".

Garchi bunday tasavvurlar o'limdan bir necha oy oldin sodir bo'lishi mumkin bo'lsa-da, ular o'lim yaqinlashganda yuz berishi mumkin. Ularning kitoblarida, O'lim soatida: O'limdan keyingi hayot dalillariga yangi qarash, Doktorlik fanlari nomzodi Karlis Osis va doktorlik dissertatsiyasining Erlendur Xaraldssonning taxminlariga ko'ra, ularning tadqiqotlarida bunday ko'rgan bemorlarning taxminan 62 foizi 24 soat ichida vafot etgan.

Ushbu vahiylar bemorlar endi aloqa qila olmaydigan paytlarda o'limga yaqinlashish tendentsiyasini hisobga olsak, ba'zi tasavvurlarning mavjudligi haqida faqat xulosa chiqarish mumkin. Masalan, men bir vaqtlar u o'layotgan onasining yonida bir yigit bilan o'tirgandim. U ikki kundan beri uyg'onmagan edi. Uning nafas olishlari sayoz va tez edi. To'satdan u ko'zlarini katta ochdi, yuzida baxt va ajablanib ko'rinish. "Bu erga kel, bolam" dedi u hayajon bilan, "men seni juda sog'indim" dedi. Keyin u ko'zlarini yumdi va indamadi, yuzida tabassum baribir.

Biz ko'rgan narsadan nima yasaganini bilish uchun o'g'liga qaradim. U ko'z yoshlarini artdi. «Aynan u bizning eski itimizni Trapper deb atagan. U har doim u bilan alohida aloqada bo'lgan. Sizningcha, u uni ko'rgan bo'lishi mumkinmi? ».

Tasdiqlashning iloji bo'lmasa-da, men jilmayib boshimni silkitdim.

O'limdan keyingi aloqa

O'limdan keyingi aloqa (ADC) vafot etgan yaqin odamning alomatlarini ko'rish, sezish yoki olishni o'z ichiga oladi. Ularning kitoblarida, O'lim san'ati: boshqa joyga sayohat, psixopediatr Piter Fenvik, tibbiyot xodimi va uning rafiqasi Yelizaveta Fenvik, qayg'u chekayotganlarning 20 foizdan 50 foizigacha ADC haqida xabar berishgan. Jenny Streit-Horn 1800 yillarning oxiridan 2010 yilgacha bo'lgan vaqt davomida ADC bo'yicha olib borilgan barcha tadqiqotlarni muntazam ravishda qayta ko'rib chiqishda, dunyo bo'ylab har uch kishidan kamida bittasi hayotlarida biron vaqt ADC haqida xabar berganligini aniqladi - odatda, lekin har doim ham qayg'u sharoitida emas. .

Sevimli itlar vafot etgandan keyin bunday ko'rinishlarni qanchalik tez-tez qilishlari haqida kam narsa ma'lum. Maykl Foksning fikriga ko'ra, bunday ko'plab hisobotlarni to'plagan DVM, bu odatiy holdir. Tashriflar turli xil ko'rinishlarga ega, shu jumladan itning shaklini ko'rish, panjalarini yoki po'stlog'ini eshitish yoki yaqinda tozalangan gilamchada vafot etgan itning mo'ynasiga o'xshab ko'rinadigan narsalarni topish.

Uning kitobida, It tanasi, it aqli: itlarning ongi va umumiy farovonligini o'rganish, Fox o'lgan iti Barni ko'chaga chiqmoqchi bo'lganida yonini burni bilan urib ishlatgan Anita haqidagi voqeani baham ko'radi. Barni vafotidan ko'p o'tmay, Anita tunda bir oz burni yon tomoniga urilib ketayotganini his qila boshladi. "Bir kecha men to'shakda o'girilib uyg'onganimda," deydi Anita, - men uning aksini oynali shkaf eshigida ko'rdim. Men hayron bo'ldim, lekin uning borligidan juda xursand bo'ldim. U bo'lishi kerak bo'lgan oynaning oldidagi qavatga yaqinroq qarab, u erda yo'q edi. Uni faqat oynada ko'rish mumkin edi ».

Uzoq vaqt davomida kasalxonada ishlaydigan ijtimoiy ishchi sifatida men odamlarga oid shu kabi ko'plab hisobotlarni eshitganman va hayvonlarning yaqinlari. Tushdagi tashriflardan ehtimol bo'lmagan tasodiflarga va sinxronliklarni aytib berishga qadar, bu voqealar ko'pincha ishonchli va mazmunli bo'ladi. Foks aytganidek: "Ko'p odamlar hayvonot sheriklarining oxiratdagi aloqalari tufayli chuqur hayajonlandilar va tasalli berdilar va o'lim hayotida biz bilgan narsalardan ko'proq narsa borligi haqidagi vahiy orqali hayotlari sezilarli darajada o'zgardi".

Ushbu shaxslararo voqealar tinchlik, quvonch va tasalli berishga moyil bo'lishiga qaramay, o'lim bilan uzilgan deb o'ylangan aloqalarning davom etishini tasdiqlaydilar, ko'p odamlar ularni ishdan bo'shatish yoki masxara qilishlaridan qo'rqib, ularni boshqalar bilan bo'lishishni istamaydilar. Afsuski, bu ko'pincha ularni qo'llab-quvvatlamaydigan yoki o'zlarini yaxshi bilaman deb ishonadiganlar bilan bo'lishganda sodir bo'ladi.

Ba'zi odamlar ushbu hodisalarni biologik (masalan, kislorodning pasayishi, deliryum) yoki psixiatrik ta'sirga (masalan, gallyutsinatsiyalar, istakbozlik) kamaytirishni talab qilmoqdalar. Ba'zilar ularni tasavvur yoki dorilarning nojo'ya ta'sirlari bilan bog'lashadi. Boshqalar ularni shaxsiy e'tiqodlari yoki dunyoqarashi asosida rad etadilar, ular bilan bunday tajribalar ziddiyatli ko'rinadi.

Garchi ba'zi tadkikotlar ishda qandaydir biologik mexanizm bo'lishi mumkinligini taxmin qilsa-da, hech biri isbotlanmagan. Bundan tashqari, ushbu voqealar haqiqat ekanligi va ong o'limdan tashqari omon qolishini ko'rsatuvchi tadqiqotlar mavjud.

Ammo bu tajribalarning kelib chiqishi haqidagi munozaralarda adashib qolish - bu yaqin orada hal qilinishi mumkin emas - bu fikrni o'tkazib yuboradi. Ularga ega bo'lganlar uchun bu voqealar chuqur va o'zgaruvchan bo'ladi. Fenvik ta'kidlaganidek: "Ehtimol, biz mantiqan bitta narsa qila olamizki, birinchi navbatda, ularning o'layotgan odam uchun asosliligini, ikkinchidan, ularning ham ular uchun, ham ular uchun qayg'u chekayotgan oilalar uchun beqiyos qiymatini bilishdir. Agar biz ushbu voqealarga guvoh bo'lish yoki ularni boshdan kechirish baxtiga muyassar bo'lsak, ularning ma'naviy ahamiyatini e'tirof etishimiz va ularni hech qachon o'layotgan jarayonning ma'nosiz mahsulotlari deb rad etishimiz kerak. "

Sodiq hayvon sherigidan mehr-muhabbatni his qilgan va qabul qilganlar va itning yaqinlaridan ayrilishidan qayg'u chekayotganlar uchun, bir kun kelib ular bizni kutib olishlarini kutish, dumlarini silkitib, biz o'lim siriga o'z o'tishlari.

* Holden, J. Shaxsiy aloqa, 21.07.2020


Men ushbu nekrologni necha marta boshimda yozganman? Sidney necha yillardan beri o'layapti, yoki shunday tuyuldi. Agar siz itning yoshini ko'rgan bo'lsangiz, bilasiz: ularning o'limi birdaniga juda sekin va umuman juda tez keladi.

Men yozgan yodgorliklar hazil va samimiylikka to'la edi. Ular Sidneyning mohiyatini mukammal egallab olishdi: keyinchalik uning g'azablanishga aylanib ketgan alfoziligi, ruhning qat'iyati, o'zi xohlagan narsadan boshqa narsani qilishdan, o'zligidan boshqa narsa bo'lishdan qaysar-hali yoqimli rad etish.

Bular itlari yaxshi o'lim bilan vafot etgan, yaqinlari bilan o'ralgan kishining so'zlari, asta-sekin pasayish oxirida qiyin, ammo to'g'ri tanlov edi.

Yozish paytida men xafagarchilikni his qilaman, ha, lekin ayni paytda yengillik. Men tayyor bo'lar edim, eng muhimi, Sidney ham. Uning hayotini yakunlash insonparvarlik tanlovi, yagona tanlov bo'ladi va men bu qaror bilan o'zimni xotirjam his qilardim.

Men o'limni yaxshi bilaman. Biz oldin ham, ko'p marta uchrashganmiz. Ikkala biologik ota-onam, hammasi mening bobom va buvim, amakivachcham, do'stim, ustozim, muharriri bir marta, deyarli o'zim.

Mening tanishligimning hech biri o'limni azobini bir marta kamaytirmagan - men qancha tayyorgarlik ko'rsam ham, men uni ko'rishni xohlamasligimdan qat'i nazar, necha marta boshdan kechiraman. Go'yo ulkan qushlar doirasini osmonga yaqinroq tomosha qilgandek edim, faqat uni meni yerdan uzib olishim kerak edi.

Men hayotning juda ko'p shafqatsizligini yaqindan ko'rdim, ammo o'lim mening boshimdan o'tgan eng og'riqli, eng bema'ni, dunyoviy va shafqatsiz narsa bo'lib qolmoqda. Men o'limni hayotning bir qismidir, degan barcha tayyorgarlik va ratsionalizatsiya va samimiy e'tiqodimda, men bitta oddiy haqiqatni unutganga o'xshayman: Hayot og'riydi .

Uy hayvonlari vafot etganda, odamlar har doim taklif qiladigan yengilliklar mavjud. "U yaxshi it edi" - bu birinchi.

Sidney aslida emas edi. Albatta, u jim, toza va ichadigan kishi edi. Uyga kirganda u odamlarning ustidan sakrab chiqmadi, men buni qadrlayman. U hech qachon kerak bo'lmagan narsani chaynamagan yoki yuzimni haddan tashqari yalagan. U yaxshi sayohat qildi. U xotirjam va bolalar bilan muloyim edi.

Ammo itning qiyofasini eslayotganda nimani o'ylaysiz? Sidney bu narsalar emas edi.

Oynoqchisiz? Yoq. U olib kelmadi, o'yinchoqlar unga qiziqmasdi.

Baxtli, tebranadigan quyruqmi? Unchalik emas. Bu chiroyli, klassik nemis cho'ponining quyrug'i edi, bir vaqtlar murabbiy menga quvonch emas, balki ustunlik deb aytgan edi.

Doim yonimda? Ha, lekin kuchukcha orqada qolgandan keyin emas. "Stalked" - bu uyning har bir xonasida meni kuzatib borgan Sidney nima qilgani uchun eng munosib so'z. Men har doim uning hokimiyatni tortib olish imkoniyatini kutib, davlat to'ntarishini rejalashtirayotganini sezardim.

Uning boshqa itlarga bo'lgan munosabatiga kelsak? L.M. Montgomeri (kerakli tuzatishlar bilan) uning "panjasi har bir (itga) qarshi va har bir (itning) panjasi unga qarshi" deb yozgan.

Uy bekamning kuchugi bilan yashash menga "kaltak" hozirgi mashhur ma'nosini qanday rivojlantirganligini o'rgatdi. Bir-birlariga qoldirgan jarohatlarni tozalash uchun biz veterinariyaga kamida o'n yarim marta bordik. Menda xo'ppozlarni to'kish kerak edi, teshiklarni yamoq bilan yopishtirish kerak edi. Ikkalasida ham o'zlarining janglarida yaralar bor edi.

Sidney quvnoq politsiya edi. Agar yana bir mutt juda ko'p zavqlansa, u uyiga kirib, uni to'xtatadi. Uning uchun ko'p taxalluslarimdan biri Sydvicious edi.

U keksa va kuchsiz, haqiqiy to'rt oyoqli ijtimoiy darvinlikdan nafratlanardi. So'nggi bor Sidneyni itlar bog'iga olib borganimda, u bog'ning atrofini hidlaganida, u eskirgan, sariq-oppoq pufakchaga e'tibor qaratdi. U atrofdagi xushbo'y hidni taklif qilishdan zerikib ketgach, u butun diqqatini piknik stoli ostida yashirinib, omadsiz mavjudotga qaratdi. Sidneyga kerak bo'lgan barcha provokatsiya bo'lgan kuchuk bu tomonga siljidi. Parkdagi qolgan itlar aylanib, o'sha eski maktab hovlisining «Fight! Jang qiling! Jang qiling! ” Mo'ynali joy Sidneyni tutib bo'lmaydigan hamma joyda uchib yurar edi. U dushmanining go'shtini tatib ko'rgan va qon qonidan jinni bo'lgan.

Mening hamrohim, barda mehmon bo'lganim, uni quchoqlab oldi, u erda u ko'pik va ko'pik qildi. Biz ularning so'nib borayotgan ko'zlari ostida shoshilinch chekinishni mag'lub qilayotganimizda, hayratda qolgan itning qo'riqchilari bizga tikilib qolishdi.

(Yo'qolgan mo'ynaning bir nechta qismini hisobga olmaganda, boshqa it yaxshi edi, agar siz hayron bo'lsangiz). Biz hech qachon orqaga qaytmadik.

Sidney o'zlarining tajovuzkorligini boshqa itlar uchun saqlamadi. U ko'plab odamlarni, shu jumladan mening keksa onamni (o'sha paytda u juda tirik edi) va bir marta yuguruvchining taniqli chap eshagining yonog'ini, shu jumladan, o'rta qadamni tishladi.

"Tishlash" - bu kuchli so'z - Sidney cho'pon edi, u podachilik instinktiga ega edi. Bizning uyimizda hech narsa va hech kim harakat qila olmasdi, Sidney uni poshnalaridagi o'tkir niplar orqali himoya qilishga urinmasdan. U ketma-ket besh xonadoshni qo'rqitdi, ularning hammasi yumshoq va sokin ayol edi. (U ayol-nafratlanmasligini isbotlagan holda, Sidney bir marta mening juda kichkina kir yuvadigan xonamda HVAC erkakni taqiqlab qo'ydi va uni ko'chirishga ruxsat bermadi. Men uni bo'shatish uchun ishdan ketdim.)

Yoshi ulg'aygan sayin, Sidney tishlarini boshqa, yumshoqroq va ko'proq tanaga kiradigan qismlarga burdi: qo'llar, qo'llar, buzoqlar. U 8 yildan beri tanigan uydoshimni va oxir-oqibat meni chomping qila boshladi. Darhaqiqat, u nurning o'lishiga qarshi g'azablandi.

Bu so'zning eng yaxshi ma'nosida tishlamadi. U hech qachon siqib chiqmadi - u qoqilib ketdi, nima bo'layotganidan norozi ekanligini bildirish uchun.

Uni o'zim bilan birga dadamning uyiga olib borganimda, jiyanlarim qattiq xafa bo'lishdi. Ular itlarni yaxshi ko'radilar, ammo Sidney uy hayvonlari bo'lishni xohlamadi. U o'ynashni xohlamadi. U ikkita narsani xohlardi: Sizning ovqatingiz va yolg'iz qolishingiz.

Bu it emas edi, mening jiyanim nola qildi, u bo'ri edi.

Men Sidneyni aniq muloqotlari va chegaralarni belgilashlari uchun hurmat qildim. Men buni hech qachon shaxsan qabul qilmaganman, chunki boshqalar tuyulgan. Uning mehrini qozonish qiyin edi, ammo yo'q emas. Bu yosh bilan susayib qoldi, lekin asosan kar, qisman ko'r, zo'rg'a mobil va teri saratoni uchun sekin urushni yo'qotadigan odamdan nimani kutish mumkin?

Ba'zan, siz shunchaki berishga qodir emassiz.

II.

Uy hayvonlari vafot etganda odamlarning yana bir gapi: "U yaxshi hayot kechirdi". Lekin u shundaymi?

Men Sidney uchun ajoyib onam bo'lmaganman. Turg'unlik oldidan turistik shaharchada bufetchi bo'lgan uni uyiga olib kelganimda, men 20 yoshda edim. Mening kuyish uchun pulim bor edi, va men uni asosan do'stlarim bilan bezovta kechalarda yondirardim.

Hech qachon yolg'izlik qilmaslik uchun, men uni juda uzoq vaqt davomida juda tez-tez yolg'iz qoldirdim.

Men hali yoshligimdagi travma bilan shug'ullanmagan edim. Men juda g'azablandim. Men juda ko'p baqirdim va uni juda kam sevdim - ayniqsa, nam Floridadan quruq Koloradoga ko'chib o'tganimdan va itlarga alerjim paydo bo'lganidan keyin. Men tez-tez qilsam ham, kovaklarsiz, qizarib ketgan ko'zlarim va burun burunimsiz snuggles xavfini tug'dirolmasdim.

Men Sidneyni ikkita sababga ko'ra tanlagan edim: men o'zimdan kattaroq itni xohlagan edim va nima bo'lishidan qat'i nazar, u nima bo'lishidan qat'iy nazar har qanday nomni olishim kerakligini his qildim. U erda bo'lganimda Avstraliyani yaxshi ko'rar edim, shuning uchun Sidney ham shunday edi.

Buni chindan ham muhrlagan narsa shundaki, men uning ichida o'zimni ko'rdim. U to'satdan harakatlarda ko'zlarini pirpiratib, yomon munosabatda bo'lish alomatlarini ko'rsatdi. Boshpana xodimlari menga uning suiiste'mol qilinganligini aytishdi. Uning pitomnik kartasi - hanuzgacha menda - dedi uni uyiga olib kirgan juftlik uni ko'chada adashib yurganini topdi. She was surrendered because she jumped fences, they wrote, but I suspect it was because she did not get along with their other dogs, and they wanted to spare her the almost certain death attached to a label of aggressive or dangerous.

When I went to greet her, Sydney was in the cage with a young, lively pit bull. Every time I extended my hand to touch her, it would jump in the way. After a few attempts, she gave up, took a couple steps back and looked at me from the tops of her eyes, almost rolling them, as if to say, “Do you see what I have to deal with here?”

From that moment, she was mine.

I was still naive enough to be looking for symbols, signs from the universe that I would be OK, that I could escape my very-much-present past and become a whole person. I convinced myself we could heal together, Sydney and me. That if she could get better, I could, too.

It took me years to figure out I could not wait on anyone or anything to prove that I could heal. The only thing I could do was try. Sydney was a dog, not an oracle.

I did get better, eventually. Sydney did not, not really, which I will forever believe is my fault. Dogs are intensely in-tune animals, reflecting the personalities of their owners I can see for myself how my housemate’s pup mirrors his own anxiety.

So what does it say about me that my dog was, to put it bluntly, kind of a bitch? Never trusting, always on alert, reserving her sweetness for a select few. With another owner, what could she have become? Would they have gotten a proper trainer to overcome her aggression? Would she have stopped cowering at raised hands and voices and started chasing Frisbees in the park? Would she have been that loveable, happy dog that everyone wants, a dog that would have delighted my nephews?

I can’t help but feel that the answer, at least to some extent, is yes. That far from helping her realize her potential, I prevented her from reaching it.

Still, her life wasn’t exactly bad. She got three walks a day and two meals. She once rolled in a maggoty shark on the beach and seemed to enjoy it. She took road trips, ate cheeseburgers and ice cream. She got steak on her birthday, turkey on Thanksgiving and a full stocking on Christmas. She stole all sorts of food from my roommates over the years, most recently an entire buttered English muffin and a plate of roasted grapes in sausage grease, having finally figured out at 14 how to climb onto the dining room table.

She had a warm bed to sleep in every night, patches of sunlight in which to nap. She climbed mountains.

For a one-time street dog from Orlando, I suppose it could have been worse.

III.

Old age began years ago for Sydney. She started greying around 8 by 10, I had to sign the senior dog waiver at the groomer’s, lest she fall off the table and break a hip.

It was around that time that Tumor Willis appeared, at first a small growth on her abdomen that, over the course of three years, bloomed into a shape and size not unlike a pair of human testicles. It was assumed to be a benign mammary gland tumor until it ruptured. The smell was something I can’t print in this publication, but forever changed the way I think about seafood.

It turned out to be skin cancer, so at 13 years of age, I put her through surgery. Recovery was hell, but on the plus side, they’d taken so much of her stomach skin that it was like she got a tummy tuck, thrown in for free. Like putting Kate Hudson’s abs on Betty White.

Her legs really started to go in the last two years. She became stiff and stooped, the toenails of her back feet dragging the ground until they were worn to nubs. She took near-daily tumbles down the stairs I imagined that was how she would go, a broken leg that I wouldn’t bother getting repaired.

I prepared myself for her death by playing it over and over again in my head and constantly cracking jokes. I told everyone who would listen that she probably wouldn’t last the year. When my second roommate moved out and I relocated our bedroom downstairs to make it easier on Sydney, I declared that she would probably die soon after just to spite me. (In fact, it was a mere three weeks later. Well played, Sydney.)

Never having had an old dog, I never knew if this time was going to be the time, if a bad day was just the first of worse to come. It was impossible to estimate how much time she had left, to discern what was normal aging and what was a potentially fatal symptom.

She developed a hacking cough that I was sure was due to heart failure, the consequence of a grain-free diet. I switched her food and the hack continued unabated for three years.

Sydney had survived so much: at times I thought she would outlive us all, so I joked about that, too. She was one tough mother.

When the veterinary surgeon removed Tumor Willis, she was stunned by Sydney’s overall health. Are you sure this dog is 13? she asked. Aside from the cancer, she seemed a spry 8 or 9. (I’d had her for 11 years at that point, and she was fully grown when I got her, so she was at least 12.)

That felt particularly gratifying given all the snobby Boulderites who thought I was criminally negligent for my minimal-intervention style of parenting. To the Humane Society vet who sneeringly told me I should bring Sydney more often than when she was injured — consider this my literary middle finger. The best revenge is a life well-lived.

Given her prolonged deterioration, I had a lot of time to ruminate on Sydney’s eventual end. I always pictured it the same: An awake, alert Sydney, albeit in some pain. My long-time roomate there, possibly his dog. She would be tired but not scared. We would hold her, and hold hands over her body. I would be stroking her back, her tail, her ears, her face. She would drift off and we would cry, together.

Her death turned out to be not a calculated decision, but an emergent one. Two days after Christmas, Sydney began vomiting clear liquid and foam. Her stomach was distended with bloat — filling with gas and turning over on itself. Reversible through surgery, but not always successful.

Instead of the warm scene at home or our vet, she was on the cold floor of an emergency clinic, too doped up to know who I was. She stared vacantly into my eyes as I soothed her. My roommate was out of town. There was no holding of hands over her broken body, no shared sadness. No goodbye from his dog, who had lived with Sydney for nearly her entire life.

Of course, when does death ever live up to the romanticized version we play out in our minds? My mother died 300 miles from home, in a hospital bed in a strange city, after 45 minutes of attempted resuscitation. There were no tearful farewells, no time to prepare. We hadn’t spoken in three years. Hers was the most significant death of my life. Before Sydney’s.

I am not comparing the death of my dog to that of my mother, or any human being. Especially in this year of so much loss. A human life is infinitely more valuable.

But with my mother, things were complicated. We interacted rarely, and it was always painful. When she died, I wasn’t mourning her presence in my life. I was mourning what should have been and what could possibly be.

With Sydney, I am mourning a reality.

Sydney was my everyday. She was my literal reason to get out of bed. Every morning, she woke me to walk her — one of the things she loved best was being outside. Wherever we went, she always wanted to go farther, even if she could hardly walk. She was up for anything, would go anywhere. She was never afraid. I think she, like me, learned early on that the scariest thing in the world was humans and what they could do to you.

Together, we went to the ocean, up mountains, down alleyways. She rode on the front of my paddleboard, surveying the world.

She only fell off once — the first time. On a lake in Nebraska, during a solar eclipse, she lost her footing and went right under. I wasn’t sure she was coming back up. Despite living in Florida, I’d never seen her swim: She was a wading dog only.

When I tell the story, I like to say I dove right in without a second’s hesitation. But in reality, I looked dumbfounded at my roommate on his board, with his dog. Calmly, he said, “Well, go in after her.”

I did, and Syd clung to me like a child as I swam her to safety. But she got back on the board, many times after, apparently none the worse for her brush with death.

It has been Sydney and I for 12 years. Most of them, I spent unpartnered, with no family. She was my companion she was my family. Her death is the end of life as I have known it.

V.

The most prominent theme in the many obituaries I mentally mapped out was all the things Sydney didn’t teach me.

I let Sydney be who she was, and what she was. I did not take any lessons from the way she lived her life I take none now from her death.

Sydney was not always so ornery. In her younger days, she was incredibly empathic. She had a knack of knowing when someone in the vicinity was sad, and would present herself to be petted, resting her chin gingerly on your lap. She had a calming presence I often posited that she would make an excellent therapy dog.

I never fooled myself that this level of attunement to my needs was anything other than nature, sharpened perhaps by nurture — or, rather, the lack thereof. Victims of child abuse learn to become hyper-aware of the moods of their caregivers as a means of staying safe: If they sense anger, they can jump into intervention mode or get the hell out of the way. I imagine it is no different for canines, who have been bred for centuries to be sensitive to human whims.

That impulse faded as Sydney aged. She either could no longer tell when I was hurting or no longer cared I didn’t fool myself into thinking the latter was not distinctly possible.

Plenty of my friends who knew elder Sydney expressed polite admiration at her fierce reinforcement of her boundaries, of her refusal to perform the part of happy dog. It’s a popular concept these days, at least among the women I know, that once you get old, you won’t have to accommodate anyone but yourself. You can be as grumpy, as gripey, as get-off-my-lawn as you like, and the people who really know you will still love you. After all, you’ve earned it.

I don’t know that I aspire to Sydney’s level of misanthropy. Is that really a goal, to be so cantankerous that you (sometimes) exhaust the people caring for you and alienate everyone else? While I appreciate the sentiment, I hope I can age a little more gracefully.

Still, I’d rather be a crank like Sydney than a vapid cheerleader. Give me an ill-tempered mutt over a dopey labradoodle any day, rolling over for any old stranger’s hand and loving everybody. Sydney was discerning, I like to think she chose me.

In reality, of course, I chose her. Her love for me was conditional upon being fed and snuggled and generally well-cared for. We may have had a deep connection, but it wasn’t pre-ordained by the cosmos. I picked her because she reminded me of myself: a human impulse, not — as far as I know — a canine one.

Nor do I think, now that she is gone, that I am resolved to live differently because of some wisdom she inspired. I don’t wish that I had loved her more, or better. I did the best job I could at the time, all things considered. I will miss our morning walks, for sure, but Sydney didn’t lead me to embrace the joy of the dawn. There were plenty of days I was actively annoyed by the tippy tap of her nails on the hardwood floor at an hour much earlier than I’d like.

Her body in my bed, while warm and comfortable, was also absolutely immoveable and prone to being exactly where I wanted to be. And it will be nice to eat a piece of food without having to shoo her away. I’m not nostalgic for her every act.

I am resisting the urge to romanticize our life together. It was at times frustrating and tedious at others, glorious and gay. I want to remember the way she used to stick her fuzzy butt in the air to be scratched, a literal downward facing dog. She would get so into it that she’d eventually flop over, the final act of a stop-motion summersault. But I also remember the times (plural) she fell out of the open car window and crapped all over my seat, or vomited on my just-washed bedding or — my personal favorite — peed on her sister’s head.

That is an accurate picture of our life together. Not a rose-tinted remembrance, but a realistic portrait. It might not be the pinnacle of profundity, but it means something to me that I loved Sydney, bites and all.


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